It seems lately I've been consumed with anger; verbal explosions and interal fires I cannot extinguish; unable to sleep at night...restless, riled thoughts and feverish sweating. I'm either spinning beneathe or sticking to the sheets, swallowing water down ferociously trying to wash out the anxiety that riddles me. I cannot find it's roots. Where is this coming from? I want to tear the feeling away, banish it to darkness - and yet that is all that surrounds me now, this impenetrable feeling of suffocation, of black, tight, inescapable nothingness.  How did I get back here, without even realizing it?

Am I really here again?

My cards were dark. Knives and empty cups and solitude. I've always been indecisive; how do I decide where do I go next? I want someone to tell me what to do (and what a luxury that was, in the military.) Lately it seems most of the confidence I find is now registered in a feeling of faith, letting the elements fall into place as need be...going with my instincts. I'm following my gut, sticking to my choices, and moving forward - even if it feels like I'm completely and utterly sinking.

Forgive the vagueness -

Let me show you a tiny corner of my July.

Shaved turkey/roasted red pepper hummus/cranberry sauce /bib lettuce on an english muffin 

choc/peanut butter brownie w/flake salt

red red raspberries (neglected apple)

midnight vegetable juice in a jam jar

rainy day tomato, basil and fresh mozz with aged balsamic drizzle

drive thru french fries

roadside farm stand strawberries

It has been a tasty time.

 In my opinion, I have found that there are two kinds of people. The ones that like to talk about poop, and those that do not.

I'm comfortable enough to admit to everyone that I am pro-poo conversation. Of course, there are some guidelines.  One should refrain from these conversations during meals, first dates, meeting the parents, funerals, etc.  Choose your poop talk time with discretion. 

If you're standing in line with a friend to get coffee and you comment,

"Hey, did you know coffee is like a laxative?"

The converstation can quickly segway into "poop" related discussions. Please be wary of those around you. Some (really, MOST) would be offended.  I feel I have unintentionally become a poop conversationalist. My job entails handling fecal specimens, and I have developed a decent tolerance for dookie in general. Cue segway: speaking of my job, it is my workplace that has brought me to this personal realization of poo talkers and non poo talkers. Two of my co-workers love to text me poop descriptions, poo announcements, and poo success/fail stories. I am not offended by this in any way. It's a pretty casual and humorous conversation topics for us.  Another one of my co-workers tolerates the conversations if stumbled upon, but does not partake. I don't know how I became aware of everyone's poo comfort zones. Who initiated the ice breaking "I'm gonna go poop now" and felt out people's reactions? Is it coincidental that I work with mostly poop talk friendly people? Did I make them that way?

For many years my sister was struggling with her identity because she talked about poop so often it became a part of who she was. While a teenager she innocently announced her latest poop victory about a large dump nicknamed "the master" and inadvertantly set the stage for disaster. For years after that fateful movement, she herself became known as "The Master." Funny that those are also her initials...

She has since been released of that haunting name, but the poo talk does not stop. Maybe as we have grown older the conversational approach to doo doo is a little more refined, but it is just crap we are talking about after all...how mature can one be?

I also have to interject, there are some stipulations to the "poo yes" vs "poo no" people.  Some people are required to talk about caca due to their jobs, some are required to talk about it with their doctor, some have to talk about it in regards to their newborn baby's diet...so on and so forth. Sometimes, people HAVE to talk about their poop. I'm talking about the people who choose to talk about poop. Those who a.) ANNOUNCE it, b.) DESCRIBE it or c.) INSERT it any way possible into conversation.

If you don't like talking about poop I won't hold it against you. I might even still like you.

Well, gotta go take a poo now.